Sometimes, I rant.

Treasure Island, San Francisco, California
by: Shirsha Basu

I've posted pictures of Treasure Island before, ones that may seem very similar to this. But each time I go there, it's different. Treasure Island is my favorite place in the world; I've mentioned that quite a few times. It's my special place, my hiding spot, my happy thought, my getaway. Something about it is so refreshing... the cool winds, the crashing waves, the shining skyline across the bay, or the majestic Bridge that stands overlooking the beautiful city.

I went there tonight because I needed space. I don't talk about my family problems often..at least I think I don't. But my family is always in a constant state of fighting. Every day is filled with screaming voices, tears, cutting words, misunderstandings. We blame our background, our culture. We claim we're trying to find a middle ground between our Indian values and an American lifestyle. But I think we use that as an excuse. We've lived here for almost my entire life; shouldn't we have been able to adapt by now?

My sister has always been one to revolt. When we were kids, she would revolt silently, inside of her. As she grew older, it became more apparent.. until, one day, her revolts took over our lives. 

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I love driving. I love driving with the windows down, the roof open, the music loud. I love driving alone, without a purpose..just driving. I could drive for hours..days, if I could. There's no one to answer to, no one to tell you what to do. You could lose yourself, and no one would try to find you. It's just you, yourself, and the road ahead of you. I've always wondered why I like driving so much; is it to escape? To run away from my problems? To find something? Or is it the speed, the wind that blows on your face when you press down on the accelerator? 

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I was always the quiet one, the obedient one. I've worked so hard my entire life to keep my parents happy. I've never demanded independence, or revolted, or raised my voice for anything. I've always been afraid of hurting my parents. I don't want to be like my sister. I don't want to make my mother sit on the floor in the corner of a room and cry for 12 days straight. I don't want my father to lose trust in me, to give up on me, to think of me as a disappointment. But somehow I can never see them happy. I don't think I've seen my family happy in the past 4 years. Do you know how hard it is, to never see your family happy, every day, for four years?

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For some reason, lately I've been cutting myself off from people. I've isolated myself from everyone I know. I don't want to be with friends anymore, I don't want to go out in public. I don't want to brush my hair or be successful in life. I just want to be by myself, without expectations, without broken promises. Without familiar people becoming distant, friends turning into strangers, and having no one to blame but yourself for it.

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I might be complaining too much. There's so many more people in this world that have more problems than I do. There's so many more hardships people face, so many more struggles people live through. But sometimes, I just wish everyone was happy. Sometimes, I want to see my dad laugh like he used to. Sometimes I wish I used my headphones to listen to music, not to drown out screaming voices. Sometimes I want to spend one day without any fighting. Sometimes, I just want to get off the road and finally go home.